April | Heading West
Narrative + Field Notes
She lay in the dark upstairs room surrounded by her sleeping babies while listening to the rain teeming down in droves during the fourth watch of the night. Her breathing picked up pace in anticipation for what was about to happen. Her husband and father-in-law were gathering their belongings downstairs and firing up the moving van to begin the long journey to their new home.
They ended March by getting on the same page and making a plan as to how to stay there. And though this was good, March ended on a note of defeat and confusion. Would he be offered the job? They still didn’t have a place to rent and would have to jump for one “sight unseen”. She worried if they might have to start the process all over again. How long would it be before another job interview came about? Had they wasted their money by sending him out there? Ashamedly, she even wondered if she should start unpacking boxes.
But all of this changed in the blink of an eye. In fact, their circumstances were unexpectedly, vastly different by the first afternoon of April.
And by the time they sat down for their Passover Seder dinner on the 2nd, it was official - they were moving. Though they didn’t secure a rental till the 9th, F had a job and everything was suddenly, rapidly, falling into place.
The month transpired into a complete whirlwind; a consuming stormy sea.
Packing ramped up and side note: she was shocked at how much they owned! She thought she’d stayed on top of de-cluttering, since they held the values of living minimally but wow, her eyes were opened and she vowed to pair everything down again once they had arrived.
On the 10th, she said goodbye to her grandparents at dinner with a letter that she cried while she was writing.
On the 11th, their church friends threw them a sweet goodbye party and they spent their last night at their home.
On the 12th, they moved into her in-laws for the week.
On the 14th, F had his last day of work and when she went in that evening for her ‘scheduled 6 months ago hair appointment’ she thought, why not embrace more change? She got a full fringe and cut about 4 inches off her hair.
On the 15th, the moving truck was packed full and their house was emptied.
On the 16th, F and her father-in-law set out for their new home, nearly 4000km away.
It was astounding, the lack of control she was faced with. All of the possible things that could go wrong during this entire endeavour and there was nothing she could do about these things except put her head down and prepare as best she could. Actually, that wasn’t true. She could also pray and surrender all her fears to God, trusting that He was “working all things (yes, even the potential bad things), together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose.”
One evening while F was gone, she went back to the house by herself after tucking the kids into bed at her in-laws. She wanted to double check things and she also recognized that she needed a moment by herself to say goodbye. She barely made it into the kitchen before she was doubled over, sobbing uncontrollably. With her hands on her knees and tears streaming down her face, her heart felt like it was fracturing but she couldn’t understand why. She’d been living one day at a time this month, keeping horse blinders on and stepping one foot in front of the other. She was quietly processing everything in prayer and several people over the course of the month remarked at how calm she seemed to be in the midst of it all. But she needed this moment to break. And to feel Him catch her and hold her. So, through her sobbing she choked out the question that had just run through her mind, “Father, why?! Why am I crying so much?!…why does my heart hurt so badly?! It’s just a house!” She began hunting for the box of tissues she’d left behind, all the memories that took place in this home came flooding back to her. She began processing out loud again, “Father, it’s scary to leave something good for something unknown. I have no idea if what we’re about to step into is going to be a blessing like this last chapter has been. I don’t even know if we’re going to make it to the next chapter. It hurts to be separated from F right now and feel the weight of all the miles we each have to travel before we’re reunited. Father, I’m scared!” her voice escalated into a plea for help and comfort. “I am so beyond blessed. I deserve none of what you’ve given me”, she said as she shook her head. Then her eyes opened wide, the realization hitting her and sending her doubling over again with a new wave of sobbing. She was grieving. Not the home, though it was a wonderful home. She was grieving her present as though it were already the past, because everything that had happened here, was now gone. It was so easy to get tied up in the day-to-day difficulties of raising kids and keeping a home that it was easy to forget to see that…this was it. She was currently living in the “good ol’ days.” That this time she had with her kids right now…she was going to wish she could get it all back when they were grown and gone. She frantically turned her hands over to look at her palms and saw time slipping through her fingers, before her very eyes. Again confronted with her lack of control, she crumpled into His arms and slowly her breathing calmed. What mattered in life? It was so very clear to see in this moment, even with eyes blurred from crying.
A few days later she woke at her sister and brother-in-laws home early, before her 3:30am alarm. Today was the day.
F had arrived at the new home last night and praise God that he did and that all seemed good! Today, S was going to fly with her sister and the three kids. Her sister was so kind to offer helping her on the flight. It would be the kids first time on a plane today and therefore S’ first time travelling with them in this way as well. She was itching to be back together with F. And if she was honest, she was itching to be through with this month of transition. The plane took off and she didn’t even feel in her heart the desire to look back, her whole being was fixed West, towards the mountains.
The family reunion at the airport seemed surreal. Her mom had taken a flight that had arrived at the airport the same time as they had — she was going to stay with them for a few weeks to help them get setup. They said goodbye to her sister, who was going to turn right back around to head home - bless her soul. And they said goodbye to her father-in-law too, who was going to be flying home now as well. She felt like she could finally relax now. But the tension stayed tight in her chest and stomach.
At 3am the next morning she woke up groaning. F rolled over and asked her what was going on. “Ooooo I feel….really nauseous…”, she groaned again. Then they heard the sound of the toddler throwing up down the hall and she followed suite to the bathroom.
The stomach flu rolled through them all apart from F who was spared! Praise God. The problem was, her mom had an autoimmune disease that was life threatening if she couldn’t keep her meds down, which she couldn’t. So they took her into emerge where S spent the day with her.
One day at a time was the theme that month. She was hoping to be able to rest and relax once arriving in their new home (which was lovely, by the way!). But the “one day at a time”, head down, horse blinders on mantra…continued.
And continued on into the next week as the kids adjusted to the time change and copious loads of laundry were washed in the aftermath of the stomach bug…and again when they went on a family excursion and their car broke down and had to get towed and they impromptly had to stay the night at a hotel…However, God was good even in the midst of it all. His presence and hand over things was clear as day to be seen. Things were hard, which meant growth, but they could’ve been so much worse. In fact, none of it was bad, it was just life. And it was meant to be lived in communion with the Author of it all. It was His presence that gave her strength to walk the road He called her down.
***A Conversation with Her Pepper-Haired Self***
The fading golden sunlight danced through the steam rising from S’ evening cup of tea as she sat across from her younger self on the front porch. The younger S’ hands fiddled restlessly with her blanket, her eyes wide with the sort of nervous uncertainty that older S knew all too well.
“F says there’s more room to breathe out there,” young S stated quickly. She paused and then added more slowly, “But I look at my home and my garden; and our friends and family, and I feel my heart breaking at the thought of leaving them for…nothing.”
Older S set her tea on the small table beside her rocking chair and tucked her peppered hair behind her ear; her expression softening into that quiet, Spirit strengthened grace that held the C family together. “It is not nothing,” older S began, her voice low and melodic. “It is a great, wide world and a story that God hasn’t finished writing yet. There is a beauty in the West that will steal your breath; skies so big they make you feel both very small and very much seen by the Creator. You will see sunsets that turn the prairie grass to literal gold, and you will feel a freedom that the crowded woods of the East can never give you.”
She reached out, briefly touching the younger S’ hand.
“You will find friends and your family will grow. But I will be honest with you, S. Moving West is a consuming stormy sea. She demands everything you are. You will pack your home into a moving truck, and you may find parts of it in pieces when you arrive. You will trade your garden for miles of sod that resists the plow, though at first you will have no garden at all. There will be days when the wind howls so loud you’ll fear you’ll forget the sound of your own mother’s voice, and nights when the silence and loneliness are so heavy they feel like a physical weight.”
Young S shivered. “How did you bear it? The fear of it?”
“You bear it because you must,” older S said, her eyes flashing with a sudden, fierce encouragement. “One day at a time. You are stronger than you know and your God is ready to hold you through it all. His heart is like a well. And you won’t know how deep it goes until you start drawing from it. You will find a way to make a home in a strange land. In fact, you will find that ‘home’ isn’t the place itself, but the way your husband looks at you after you’ve weathered a storm together or the way your kids giggle together when he tells you all a funny story from his day.”
Then, her face grew solemn, her voice taking on the weight of a warning.
“But heed me: do not go if you cannot forgive him. There will be times when you look at your children’s worn shoes and your own chapped hands, and you will want to blame the man who brought you there. If you carry bitterness in your heart, it will be more poisonous than venom. You must go with a willing heart, or the prairie will break you before the first winter is through.”
Older S picked up her mug of tea again, taking a slow sip. Then she added, “Go because he dreams, S. And stay by him because you represent The Anchor. He will provide the house, but only God, through you, can provide the light and warmth inside of it. What a story you’ll have to tell and a deeper relationship with Him because you stepped out of the boat.”
Mother’s Practice
One Day at a Time
Not that it was even possible to live in the future but if she gave her mind free rein to go where it wanted, she could easily start worrying about and stressing about a fantasy world of her own creating. What we have control over is actually very limited but we tend not to realize it on a day to day basis because our rhythms and habits can hide this fact. Which is not a bad thing, it is very comforting to be in a good rhythm. But there comes times in all our lives when we walk into a time of transition and this upheaval of our normal lives reveals the lack of control that has always been there. This confrontation can be jarring and even traumatic if not anchored in something steady. So, she tethered herself to her God, who never changes, He’s very solid, a firm foundation. She did this day by day and hour by hour. By bringing all of her fears to Him, every time they popped into her mind. She would place…sometimes shove, her trust in Him and continue on doing the task at hand. This is why she references wearing horse blinders because this act felt very akin to the purpose of what the blinders were for.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34
Mother’s Table
Chicken Stock
It seems that most cultures have their own rendition of a healing soup and the basis for all good soups is a good slow cooked broth. Thankfully, they are incredibly easy to make; yes, even when the whole family has been taken down by an illness. There’s a few different ways to make a broth or stock (these are technically different things but for the sake of simplicity, they’ll mean the same thing for this post).
Ingredients
Cooked chicken bones (from drumsticks, thighs, or a whole chicken)
or1 whole raw chicken or bone-in chicken thighs
8 cups water (or enough to fully cover the chicken)
1–2 tablespoons high-quality salt (adjust to taste)
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
Instructions
Prepare the base
Place the cooked chicken bones or raw chicken into a large pot.Add liquid and seasonings
Pour in enough water to fully cover the chicken (approximately 8 cups). Add the salt and apple cider vinegar.Bring to a boil
Set the pot over high heat and bring to a rolling boil, uncovered.Simmer
Once boiling, reduce the heat to low and cover with a lid. Allow the broth to gently simmer for 3 to 6 hours.Finish and adjust
Taste the broth and adjust salt as needed before serving or storing.
Mother’s Apothecary
Stomach Flu Remedies
The stomach flu with young kids is possibly one of the worst things ever. Pictured below are some of the remedies she reached for + the chicken stock recipe from above. The key to making it through the stomach flu alive is hydration and ginger. So sipping electrolytes and ginger tea were essentials for her (Traditional Medicinals makes a great ginger tea too). The Activated Charcoal was new to their arsenal this time but she’d heard rumours of its ability to ward off the sickness if taken in advance. Her husband took these and he didn’t catch the bug! So…maybe they worked? They’d also heard a legend of real grape juice helping at the onset in a similar way, it seemed to work too?
In the Home School
Life Lessons from Moving and Travelling
One of the things she loved about home educating was the way it caused her to look at all experiences in life as opportunities to learn and that taking on this perspective trained her kids to continue learning their whole lives too. This month, she packed all of their homeschooling materials into boxes and returned their books to the library, so what was there to learn? Plenty. How about setting up a pretend plane in the living room and practicing what it’s like. How about manners and etiquette. How about perseverance when things are hard and gentleness when we feel like we’re pushed to capacity. How about discovering new places in a new land and experiencing complete silence in nature. There was so much to learn, see, discover, experience, and practice; and wonder to cultivate.
Tending the Home
Making a New One and One in Transition
Keeping the clothes in the suitcase folded, wiping the counters, washing the dishes, making the beds, cooking the meals. Keeping things orderly somehow gave a sense of belonging. And this helped significantly when setting up camp in their own home or someone else’s. It was hard to feel out of place, it was destabilizing. Though the kids were excited by all the novelty, they were also very emotional, a sure sign that the displacement was hard for them too. So, reading books together, going for daily or twice daily walks, singing them songs, taking extra long to tuck them in, praying together, and still starting her day in the Word, helped with the emotions.
Northern Rhythms
When Winter Feels Like it Might Never End
This Winter seemed exceptionally cloudy and the snowbanks were taller than she was. Spring took it’s time arriving as the temperatures stayed cold. Thankfully the snow had melted by the time they were packing the moving truck but it was still cloudy and cold. She truly felt that she hadn’t seen the sun in months. And then they moved. To a place that was supposed to be quite sunny but she was a bit dismayed that the clouds seemed to follow them there for it was cloudy and snowy for the first several days after they’d arrived. They were higher in latitude so she should’ve expected a longer winter season in this new place but it was still hard to accept that back home the flowers were beginning to bloom. She realized that this new land would likely require her to embrace a more Scandinavian mindset with the weather. Thankfully, the sun did come out and the mountain air was glorious. Spring was arriving, though…she would likely need to invest in some warmer winter clothes.
From Full Hands
Receiving from the Full Hands of Others
This month she received from the full hands of others. She was amazed and humbled by the generosity that others showed them during this time. It sure made leaving hard and how blessed she was to feel that way. Her grandparents through them a little surprise goodbye party with family at a Thai restaurant, her sweet friend from church organized and hosted a goodbye party with some other church families, and her longtime friend gave her a very thoughtful gift. Oh her heart ached at the thought of leaving them all.
Mother’s Memory Work
Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Closing Blessing, Links & Resources
May the Lord be your rock, your firm and safe place to weather transitions and difficult things.
I Lift My Eyes (Psalm 121) by Ellie Holcomb - She’d been meditating on Psalm 121 this month and then her sweet cousin (with no knowledge of this) sent her this song as an encouragement. She loved it when God did that.
If You Can’t Hear God’s Voice, This is For You - Just a really great listen about repentance and the only person that Jesus never responded to during his ministry.
No Mercy by Preston Gillham - A book she was given by her counsellor about 7 years ago. She’d put off reading it this whole time but felt drawn to finally pick it up now. It was very interesting and enjoyable to read a fictional book, though it was quite gruesome (ahhh!). She was pressing forward despite being incredibly sensitive to this kind of content because of the ideas it was creatively portraying. It was an allegorical story about a young man and his relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit and what spiritual warfare looks like played out in a physical realm.
Hey, I’m Sarah, an artist mother living with my husband and three kids in Western Canada. Here, on my Substack, I share vulnerable seasonal tales of my experience following Jesus and how this adventure influences my art. Please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.